I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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