I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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