There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
