the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
