Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
