by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
