I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
