Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
soo... how was my night?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
