It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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