I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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