I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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