My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
