ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
