she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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