Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
