If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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