I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
