After last night, I could never be a politician.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Crop dusting thru forever 21
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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