dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
