He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
