I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Randomize
