I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
