thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He has the fingertips of a God
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
