Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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