i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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