Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
