Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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