She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
