sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm like, not good at living.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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