i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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