So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
