The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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