why didn't you poke me back
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
