I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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