I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
