Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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