jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
