There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
