I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
