Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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