Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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