my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
