I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
