i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
