I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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