saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
