Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
