he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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