Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
