You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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