I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
