She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We need a shit load of segways right now
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
