i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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