I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
