I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
