my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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