I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
