I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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